Raging on a Thursday: The Topic of Consent

 

http://feminspire.com/why-i-never-play-hard-to-get/

This is an article that you need to read. Yes, need to. It’s thought provoking and insightful. More importantly, it made me call into question some of my own experiences. I recently had a Twitter argument with a friend about the new concealed carry law in Illinois. I think it’s a horrendous idea, he thinks it’s a joy among joys, an early Christmas gift from Santa. I see it from the perspective of being a woman, he sees a manly right to bear arms against…bears? 

Well, I’m really not certain. I haven’t had to defend my home against anyone… ever. My body? I’ve gone to battle several times to protect my body, I’ve even lost. Would a gun have protected me? Not a chance. In fact my rapist was the one with a gun. A gun which he had obtained legally, it was given to him as part of his duties as a police officer. He still carries that gun.

The idea that women can now protect themselves because of this new law is preposterous! Obviously the people lobbying on behalf of concealed carry haven’t read the statistics. It’s one more thing they can blame us for. Why didn’t you scream? Run? Fight? Punch? Kick? Scratch? Why didn’t you shoot him with your new Gloc as a result of your right to bear arms, bitch?!

What is certain is that rape, domestic violence, and child abuse are under-reported and under-prosecuted. Leaving the perpetrators with no records, nothing to tell the state that these are “bad people”, meaning guns for all! Plus, as we all know, there is NO WAY to get around the background checks…

http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/Guns.pdf

The damning statistics about gun violence and it’s twisted relationship to  gender violence is terrifying. Especially in light of the current legislation. However, I could go on all day about that, getting back to consent. 

As Rachel Kay states in her piece, our culture, this culture that devalues the feminine, is appalled by the innate femaleness of a woman, believes that a broad just doesn’t know what’s good for her. Until some man shows her. This is what we have done to ourselves,  take “The Rules” as an example. The 90’s guide book for the single woman, it demanded that  women play hard to get, begging to be “taken”. This has stimulated a battle in a culture that already doesn’t hear the word “no” as a demand for the desistance of an action, but as a challenge. 

As I read the piece I kept hearing the words of my rapist, it sounded something like this:

I need to leave.

No, you don’t.

I’m leaving with, (I’m redacting my SO’s name to protect his undeserved privacy.)

I’m going home.

He’s no good for you, I’m a better guy.

I’m leaving, I’m leaving.

Come on, let me show you.

No.

Come here.

No. 

(Don’t worry boys, I was fighting him off during this whole “conversation”. No need to victim blame here.)

I think we need to revisit the topic of consent and how it is understood in our culture.

Life is a Battlefield… It’s a long one…

Hi all, I have been working on an assignment as a volunteer for The Pixel Project and it has been quite absorbing. I haven’t forgotten  my work here and apologize for my lapse. It’s a little after 2 am and I am wide awake. My mind is racing and I just can’t seem to quiet it. It’s a very specific thing that is preventing sleep and I hope that by sharing I can get some relief.

There is a photograph circulating on Facebook of a young man, he is holding a dog by the throat against a wall, his other arm is pulled back and he is about to punch the dog in the face. The same day I saw this horrific image, I was posting a link on the home page of the advocacy center that I volunteer for. On the page I noticed a post, some one with a name that didn’t make any sense and that even now I cannot recall, had posted a comment. An extremely vulgar comment, one that I am loathe to repeat – I checked if it was still there in order to correctly communicate it’s intention – it’s gone. When I saw the comment, I clicked the person’s name to report them (it was THAT bad). On this person’s home page there was a series of pictures, they started with someone putting a cat in a cage and then a series of images of the cage on fire.

It was horrible, my mind wants to tell my soul that these images are not real, that people don’t do such horrendous things, but they do. We know they do. Part of the reason that people do these things is because there is an audience for them. People take pictures of themselves doing disgusting, horrible things for their own warped pleasure and the twisted pleasure of their friends.

Recently, I shared something on my personal Facebook page about rape. The piece or meme as it were, reflected on what is consent and what is not. Being drunk, wearing a short skirt, being out after dark, these are all old, tired lines that called into question the validity of a survivor’s statement. Were they drunk, were they dressed inappropriately, were they out too late, in a bad part of town? An old acquaintance commented on the post, he made a inappropriate comment about rape and mocked the intention of the piece. I had tolerated his various idiosyncrasies thus far, but this was the final straw. I made a polite, but to the point statement that shared my disappointment in his behavior and then I unfriended him.

I believe in free speech, I enjoy the right to say whatever I want without fear of reprisal. People are always welcome to disagree with me and my point of view. However, I do not believe that I am required to tolerate your masochistic, misogynistic attitude. Not when you know my stand on gender violence and how I make it part of my every day life to fight it.

Which is the point, why do we shudder at something someone says and try to laugh it off? Why, when we know someone who’s behavior is just this-side of being totally inappropriate do we simply stand by? Because, “it’s just not our place”? Well, guess what, someone has to start saying something. Someone has to stand up and say, “ENOUGH”. Because when survivors speak out and stake their claim, they have a vested interest in the outcome. That vested interest makes others a little less sympathetic, a little less willing to listen. But, when a man says to his group of friends, “you know, I think that that is really inappropriate, I’d like you to stop”, yes he might get mocked, but he might not. His friends might listen, maybe not the first time; if his message is always the same and he makes it plain, people will listen.

It’s something that we all have to do. We have to stand up for those who have no voice. Especially animals.  They can’t speak for themselves and often when we see things happening to them, we look away. We make ourselves culpable in their suffering. It’s easy to post and repost things on Facebook, feeling like we’ve done something good. It’s not enough, we have to start standing up. No more sitting down. Instead of reposting pictures on Facebook contact your local shelter, find out how to help animals that are being abused. Intervene when you see something happening. Don’t walk by. We can’t let this happen any longer. It has to stop. It has to stop now.

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In the interest of getting involved, I’d like to invite everyone to check out the Hollaback campaign’s website. I discovered them while doing research for my Pixel Project assignment and I find their message really resonates with how I am feeling right now. Their message is amazing and effective. Check them out at www.ihollaback.org.

My editor is sleeping, so if there are tragic grammatical mistakes, I apologize.